Having More Kids After a Hard First Experience

Written by: Andrea W., Founder

For mothers* who experienced birth trauma, struggled with miscarriage, a perinatal mood disorder, or a difficult pregnancy, deciding to have another child can be a painful topic to grapple with. This blog post explores some options of how to prepare yourself for having a more positive postpartum experience in Germany the next time around using every resource at hand.

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The heart-mind disconnect

Coming from a very large family myself, I always imagined I would have at least three kids. But when my first daughter was born almost 3 years ago, I experienced severe postpartum depression and my life view and expectations completely changed. Since then, one of the most emotionally painful things for me has been to grapple with the decision of whether or not to have another child.

There is often a painful disconnect between what the heart wants and what the mind thinks. My mind is still very much on high alert, and warns me that the likelihood of experiencing a perinatal mood disorder again is higher. I worry about what another round of sleep deprivation and hormonal changes will do to my mental health, and whether another pregnancy will trigger traumatic memories of my birth experience. At the same time, I can’t let go of the idea of growing our family and having loud and fun dinners at our kitchen table with our kiddos.

While I haven’t made a decision yet, I did want to share a list of ways I would prepare to have a more positive experience the second time around. If you are struggling with similar issues, I hope that this will be useful to you as well. If you do decide to go for another baby, you’ll feel more confident and empowered.

1. Work with a mental health care professional. Taking care of our mental health before, during, and after pregnancy can make such a difference to your postpartum experience. In Germany, mental health care providers such as psychologists and psychiatrists are often covered by the public health insurance. Talking through your worries and learning to cope with your anxieties can leave you feeling more prepared and empowered.
   A good mental health professional will be aware of your history and work with you to make a pregnancy and postpartum plan to ensure that you are checking in regularly and your feelings remain manageable. If you’ve experienced birth trauma, it can be helpful to work with a mental health care provider to carefully revisit your experience and work through it. Here, cognitive behavioural therapy can work quite well. It can also be helpful to request your medical documents and understand what happened during your birth experience, and work with a professional to move forward in preparedness for a next experience.
   Read about the mental health care system in Germany and find a provider
   
   

2. Find a specialized midwife. Midwives are critical to a good postpartum experience. If you’ve had a negative postpartum experience in the past, consider contacting a midwife who specializes in Emotional First Aid (Emotionelle Erste Hilfe or EEH). These midwives typically only take clients who require specialized emotional care. Always make sure that you feel comfortable with the midwife you’ve selected. If possible, arrange to meet more than one midwife so that you find the best fit for you.
   Read more about EEH and find an EEH near you

3. Consider hiring a doula. Especially for us international moms*, doulas are a great option for providing emotional and caring support during pregnancy, birth and postpartum. Whether that’s a vaginal or Caesarean birth, your first or tenth child, doulas are there to take care of the mom*, baby, and her family. Some doulas may be experienced in birth trauma, and can be a great source of support for a second pregnancy in understanding your emotional needs.
   Read more about doula work on our blog | Read about doulas and postpartum doulas in our guide
   
   

4. Join a support group. Taking part in a support group with other moms* going through pregnancy and postpartum struggles was life-changing for me. I instantly felt like I wasn’t alone, and that if there is a next time around, I will have a group of women* who know my story and can offer their emotional support through my next chapter. Nowadays, many support groups take place online. There are support groups for single mothers*, working mothers*, mothers* with NICU children, and more.
   Learn about our support group for English-speaking moms* and Spanish-speaking moms* in Germany. Postpartum Support International also runs excellent support groups online for moms* worldwide.
   
   
   

5. Get help around the house. This is a big one! If you’re considering having another child, it’s so important to have extra help around the house for the first few months, whether that’s for light cleaning, meal preparation, or entertaining your older children. There are many options here, such as inviting a family member to stay with you, hiring a cleaning person, or using the services of postpartum doula (also called Mütterpflegerin in German) for more individualized care. Knowing that you aren’t alone to manage the household will allow you to take the mental space you need to bond with your baby and heal emotionally and physically those first few months.
   
   

6. Protect your sleep. We all know the damage that sleep deprivation does to our emotional state. Consider working with a sleep consultant or visiting a sleeping ambulance (Schlafambulanz) to ensure that your baby’s sleep schedule adapts to your family’s life.
   
   
   

7. Ask your partner to take extra time off. If your first pregnancy or postpartum period was difficult, consider asking your partner to take an extended parental leave to ease the transition into a growing family. With Germany’s flexible parental leave laws, and if your financial situation allows, this is also a great option for helping you feel more supported.
   Read about parental leave benefits in Germany
   
   
   

8. Ask for help. Lastly, this is more of a general point. But if you find you’re struggling at any point during your journey to become a mom*, please always speak up. There is no shame in struggling, and there is help out there for you.
   

Did I leave anything out? Is there something else that you think would help other moms*? Please leave me a comment, or just your thoughts, below. And don’t forget to check out our International Mom*’s Guide to Finding Support in Germany for more ideas.

Thank you for reading!